Counterspell!

[Deadman]

Neutraldictian sneers. "I think you will find I am capable of repulsing any admirer, regardless of gender." He casts the dinner conversation spell, summoning a large table with two seats prepared. One chair is normal sized, the other is an immense stone bench that dwarfs the table, capable of seating the Redneck Tree. The yokel oakel sits down with a bit of confusion, compelled by the spell but unsure what's going on. Neutraldictian sits in the normal chair and begins cutting a steak.

A long moment of silence passes before the tree says something.
"How was your day?"
"Oh, good, good. Work has been crazy. Magical duels, kept changing between multiple forms, same old same old" replies Neutraldictian.
He continues eating.
"Aren't you going to ask me how my day was?" asks the tree.
"Yeah, how was your day?" asks Neutraldictian.
"Um...fine. Got summoned to fight in an arena," says the tree.
"Hmmm," replies Neutraldictian.
"I'm going to.." the tree tries to hold back tears, "I'm going to check on the string beans."
The Redneck Tree moves into the corner of the arena, feeling completely asexual, and begins quietly sobbing.
"On your way back could you bring me a beer?" calls the mage.
He opens a newspaper and reads the stock pages while chewing his food.

[Amaris]

Crepeticia slowly comes back to the game at hand, unsure of what occured was real or imagined. It appears a redneck tree is now in the late courting stages with Neutraldictian, possibly there is a seedling involved... there are simply too many changes to comprehend in this one moment.

Gronk before her appears to be trimmed in sapphire flames, and his smile welcomes her back to the arena. She bitterly regrets her desheveled appearance and attitude before her charming suitor. She spies Grubitus' lank form gloating over the havoc caused by his redneck tree and wonders how she may strike out.

"Lactose Intolerance" she yells, and the little friendly dachshund skipping gently at Grubituses well loved heels begins to emit toxic gasses Chernobyl could not compete with. The DNA within his cells may rearrange themselves in horror to retreat from the vile scent. Dolphins under the sea 800 miles away squeak in alarm as the deadly dog fart spell has been unleashed.

[Vardaen]

Grubitus is pleased to see his tree causing alot of havoc, "Oh they will squeel like an Elm soon enough."

The gaseous badgerhound fart hits him like a ton of bricks, or a swat from the Redneck Tree. Knocking the man to his knees he starts to gasp for air. "Oh my....gawd!" Choking he summons a massive paper fan into his hand and starts fanning the air pushing the dog fart back away from him, right toward the dust covered Mr. Dastardy, the toxic fume makes contact with the teenagers on the way and mutates their DNA turning them into a pack of raving hillbillies, all bent on protecting their Mammy, the RedNeck Tree. The fog bank rolls into the vacinity of Dastardy, as the children of the tree flock toward their preceived parents, The Tree and *Dicitan who is playing the part of PappyDicitan.

"Daddy! Daddy! Come play with us, comeplay with us!" They swarm over the mage, toothless, and inbread, the mutated Baby-Tree-Hillbillies can't be restrained!

[Deadman]

"Ask your mother" says Neutraldictian and the mob of redneck teens divert from him to pester the tree. They swiftly climb the giant wooden matron and build an enormous tree house to play banjos and distill moonshine in. The Redneck Tree is now trapped, both literally and figuratively by its children. Unable to move even its roots under the colossal weight of the hillybilly hideaway built across its shoulders the tree will remain motionless on the far side of the arena indefinitely.

Neutraldictian wipes his mouth with a napkin and stands up. "Are you going to clean the dishes?" he asks the tree. "Never mind, I'll do it."

He gestures and the table, plates, chair, forks, and side dishes get flung towards Grubitus with destructive speed. This would be deadly enough but it also includes the tree's stone bench, which is the size of a whale.

[DoomulusPrime]

Upon sensing the approach of the unholy Stench Cloud, J. Albert Dastardly recoils, his wand extended out in a warding gesture. "I shall contain this malodorous affliction with the aid of modern conveyance!," he says, summoning a Heated Carriage from the Londons Beyond around the fog cloud of stinky doom. The stench roils around, contained in the carriage, forming a massive low pressure system within. J. Albert Dastardly throws his cape over his nose, strides over to the door facing Neutraldictian, and throws the door open! The low pressure system starts sucking everything into the Heated Carriage, including the Liberace-Robed wizard! The table setting quickly gets sucked in, and if he isn't quick, Neutraldictian will join his dining set in a horrible, smelly trap.

[Vardaen]

Grub glances at Dastardly as the low pressure starts sucking in the dinerware, "My thanks Mr.Dstardly." Freed up Grub turns his attention to Gronk. Now to remove this Orc from my true desire. Eyeing Crepeticia the grey robed wizard snaps his finger, and directs his little winnerdog to attack. "Sick'em!" The gas exspelling hotdog charges Gronk yapping the whole why, while Grub lanuches a few dozen multicolored fireballs at the orc, "Time for a good old fashioned BBQ"

[Deadman]

As Neutraldictian gets pulled into the carriage he desperately makes the gestures to create a small interdimensional rift. Just in time it works, and he snatches a small green object out of the air and tosses it into carriage right before he enters. The door slams shut behind him.

The mechanical mode of transport turns around, and through the glass windshield the wizards can see Neutraldictian is sitting behind a wheel, perhaps the control for the carriage. The green object is visible hanging from the ceiling by a string: a small piece of cardboard shaped like a pine tree. Somehow this object provided protection against the terrible smell. "Nice wheels," says Neutraldictian, and he puts to pedal to the medal and speeds to run over Dastardly!

Meanwhile the weiner dog charges at Gronk. The Paladin is unsure how to act. He can't kill an innocent creature, but the dog fart would prove fatal if unchecked. Fortunately his wolf mount acts first.

Display

Once per day per two paladin levels of its master, a mount can use this ability to command other any normal animal of approximately the same kind as itself (for warhorses and warponies, this category includes donkeys, mules, and ponies), as long as the target creature has fewer Hit Dice than the mount. This ability functions like the command spell, but the mount must make a DC 21 Concentration check to succeed if it's being ridden at the time. If the check fails, the ability does not work that time, but it still counts against the mount's daily uses. Each target may attempt a Will save (DC 10 + ½ paladin's level + paladin's Cha modifier) to negate the effect.

The weiner dog accepts the wolf's orders to join it and protect Gronk. It targets a powerful projectile fart at the fireballs, destroying them in an explosion of igniting gas that expands backward, threatening to consume Grubitus in a wave of smelly fire!

[Amaris]

"Speed Bumps!" Cepeticia chants and the carriage vehicle suddenly has several 3 foot high jagged mounds of tire shredding jolts to contend with. "This Dastardly Fellow adds a bit of class to this procedings, I like him!" she thinks. SHe beams a happy and grateful smile at Gronk for keeping her 4 legged friend intact, noticing he looks a bit worn out she tells Fracktastic the weiner dog to "go home boy!". The delightful little hound scrambles towards an unseen portal and just before he exits the ring, deposits a little gift in close proximity to Gruitus. With a slight poof of odor he has left the ring, and now relaxes valiantly on a large couch in front of a color TV with the channel set to AnimalPlanet TM all day and all night long.

[Deadman]

"Chitty chitty bang bang!" shouts Neutraldictian and his car sprouts cloth wings. It takes off and flies 3.1 feet above the ground, high enough to pass over the spiky bumps without touching them. The car continues on its collision course with Dastardly!

[Vardaen]

Grub produces a large twisted funnel from out of the thin air. All of the flaming blasts of dog farts and fireballs go right into the horn, and are funneled into a jet of sorching flame that is aimed right at the cloth wings of the flying coach. "Damn this is getting complicated..."