Fellowship of the Dice

Sauron's army has broken through the gates of Minas Tirith and they're slaughtering soldiers and civilians at will and setting the city on fire. Naturally this provides major difficulties for Steward Denethor's press secretary. He has to respond to every journalist's questions and make it sound like nothing is wrong. In this game first you answer the previous question in a way that downplays or glosses over any problems, then you ask a hard-hitting question about Gondor's bleak situation for the next press secretary to avoid answering.

Q: Mr. Press Secretary, my sources tell me 'they have a cave troll'. How can we hope to defeat an army with trolls?

A: Well, listen here. The good thing is that we know about it and that we can now employ our secret "sunshine brigade" to turn them into stone. And of course, we will get some decorative, realistic statues in our city.

Q: Mr. Press Secretary, I have heard that the leader of the Sauronic Army is a millenia-old powerful sorcerer that cannot be killed by any of our men. How can we prevail against such an enemy?

A: We have been preparing for this moment for a while now, may I introduce to you the Chainmail Bikini Brigade, don't let it be said the Woman of Gondor aren't fighting for the city too!

Q: Mr. Press Secretary, what do you have to say that you are now employing fuzzy toed children in the Citiadel Guard, doesn't this go against all our fair labor laws?

A: Oh, I see your point. What you need to know is that the enemy will eat fuzzy toed children while we only employ them in the Guard, sending them to their certain doom. Do you see the difference?

Q: My sources tell me that Boromir has been killed after he turned to the dark side. Now what hope do we have if even men like him...

A: We don't don't know that Boromir's dead. All we've seen is him lying on a boat with his horn cloven in two upon his stilled chest, eyes closed and pale faced as he plummeted over the side of Rauros. Perhaps he was sleeping. Or maybe really drunk. As to allegations of succumbing to evil, you'll have to ask Boromir once he returns from his boat nap.

Q: The people say Denethor is mad, and he spends long hours each night cackling while holding a palantir and screaming "Gondor will fall!" and "The Age of Men Is Over!" Would you like to clarify those remarks?

A: Sure. The Palantir is a weapon of great power. And our beloved ruler has decided to use its inherent power of mass in combination with gravity to kill the enemy's leader - "Gondor's Strike will fall heavily on the enemy" that would be the complete quote. For the second quote, the complete utterance is "The Age of Man is Over, the Empire of Gondor has begun." So everyone can see he is not mad but deliberately destabilizing the Enemy.

Q: Rumors say that Rohan itself has been attacked and will not come to our aid. King Theoden was the victim of an evil sorcerer. What allies do we have left?

A: Rohan is a close ally, but our alliance was based mostly on cooperative police work aimed at stopping the illegal cross-border trade of the narcotic plant Kingsfoil. While Gondor remains committed to prosecuting the cultivation of this deadly leaf, naturally we are more concerned about the Mordor threat at this time. As such, Rohan's absence does not interfere with our current priorities.

Q: There are several Nazgul flying above Minas Tirith, sickening many by their hope-draining shrieks alone not to mention the soldiers they grab in their claws and hurl down towards the lower levels of the city. How will Gondor respond, seeing that we do not have an air force?

A: Actually, we are happy with the situation at the moment. We prefer them throwing soldiers to throwing rocks and boulders. You see, soldiers do not damage the battlements so much.

Q: The enemy seems to have a battering ram full of evil magic that is said to be able to breach each and every wall. What do you plan to do about it?

A:We understand Grond takes the form of an immense metal wolf. Our engineers are designing a large metal bone which hopefully will distract the battering ram.

Q: Are they throwing the heads of our own soldiers over the walls or is that just a horribly demoralizing myth?

A: Yes they are! Early in the campaign we negotiated a series of "rules of engagement" with Sauron under a truce of parle. Amongst the most prominent of issues was the correct return of body parts of the fallen, such that all relevant post-death rituals may continue to be observed even in such busy times as these.

Sauron's unwavering compliance in this matter is indicative of both his deep-rooted respect for our people, and the underlying awareness that he is in fact losing the battle. He hopes that by showing himself to be civilised he will be able to maintain a footing at the negotiating table following his surrender, when we will dictate the terms of his defeat to him.


Q: And what of the rumours that Southrons and Easterlings are now rapidly marching up in Sauron's support? I hear those Mumakil are pretty big!